Gray Matters

I hate doctors.  I especially hate specialists.
I hate examination rooms. 
I hate health insurance.  
But mostly, I hate this $*&@#  #&#^@^%  #*%%@ disease. 

Six years, who knows how much money and worry, and I still don't have a f------ diagnosis.  I just so want to hurt somebody.  Preferably my rheumatologist, which is funny, because he made the right call and is a reasonable fellow.  But I still want to punch him because he works in a field of medical study that really pisses me off right now. 

So, I went to see Dr. W yesterday, full of fear, and loathing, and really bad lunch because I had to grab something on the fly.  He listened to my medical history, poked my joints really carefully, and told me to get dressed.  Then he came back in the room, sat down, and said, "Well, I'm afraid you're in the middle of a medical gray area right now--" and I almost immediately burst into tears, not because I was disappointed that I didn't have a disease, but because it meant I couldn't get any kind of treatment.  I am so non-functional right now I can't do shit except sleep and cruise the Internet, and he wants me to keep waiting.  That reaction kind of startled him. 

In any case, here's what I learned:  first of all, my positive ANA ain't worth shit in terms of a diagnosis.  In fact, he said, people will pop positive for one test and then have a negative test later.  People pop positive on an ANA for no reason at all.  And, since my lupus antibody panel was clean, I have to keep getting my ANA run to see if it stays positive.

Second of all, my ANA result could be indicative of CREST syndrome just as much as lupus.  To be honest, CREST syndrome scares me more, maybe because the idea of my lungs and pulmonary arteries turning into concrete sounds, you know, dangerous.  

In the end, all I left with was a suggestion to try melatonin on top of my Elavil to help me get to sleep and DHEA to help with the fatigue.  

So, I went in to a specialist's office with a positive ANA and swollen joints, and I left with a diagnosis of:  dum-dum-dum...  positive ANA and swollen joints.  Welcome to the doldrums of autoimmune diagnosis, people.